He makes me laugh! Not much more to say.

Gold lady bug

We took the kids to the Fort Rickey Game farm and to me this lady bug was the most facinating thing. It looked like someone had painted it with gold nail polish and then drew squiggles with a black sharpie all over its wings. It landed on my arm, and it stayed on there forever. My sister in law took a picture then I waited for it to fly away, finally I had to flick it away.

I am thinking there are so many things I have never noticed before.When you open your eyes a little wider and pay attention to things most people ignore you never know what you might find. Apparently ladybugs aren't just red and black and how foolish am I to have always thought so. Lady bugs are supposed to be good luck, I sure could use some good luck these days.

What Happened to Spoon Lady?

It's odd what we dream about sometimes. I had this dream about spoon lady the other day.

Spoon lady was real. She sat on a bench facing Albany St. everyday. I don't really know when the first time I noticed her was. I just remember at first thinking it was a bit strange. She was sitting on the bench all alone, headphones on her head and going crazy with her spoons.

It's funny I didn't realize how many people noticed spoon lady, and those who didn't started looking for her. I think she really was becoming famous in Herkimer.

The kids laughed at first, but after the first time it was like we looked forward to going by her. No matter what time of day it was, she was there. I wonder if she even cared that there was a busy bus stop behind her? I never saw anyone bother her, or sitting with her. I wondered if she was lonely sitting there all day alone.She always had a lunchbox by her side. Maybe soup?

One day we saw her playing air guitar. We were thinking new music or maybe she ran out of clean spoons? No matter what she was jammin, spoons or no spoons.

On one of my roughest days I passed by her and thought " Man I wish I could sit there all day without a care in the world listening to music and playing my spoons". But spoon lady is gone now. The bench is almost always empty when we go by. At first we wondered what happened to her. Maybe someone thought she was crazy and took her away? If I go sit on that bench right now and play my spoons would someone take me away, probably. I know I feel like that is her bench and when I do see someone sitting on it, it irritates me now. I don't even know why, its public property. A few weeks ago Brandon said he heard spoon lady moved. Last week he said she died because she played the knives while listening to Judas Priest.

As funny as it sounds I wanted to be like spoon lady. We heard she really did die. Maybe she was sick and knew it all along. Maybe she needed that park bench, thats all she wanted to do. Sit and play her spoons. Thats what made her happy. I don't want to be like spoon lady now.

In my dream I was sitting on the bench right next to her though.Trying to get her to show me how to play the spoons. Of course all I had was the damn sporks from the hospital cafeteria. The only song I could hear was Mickey Mouse Clubhouse "Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog". It was playing really loud in one of those boom boxes and some guy was break dancing on the side walk in front of us. I just kept dropping the my sporks and she wouldn't even look at me. Maybe she thought I was a bit odd ?

Growing up...

The kids are growing up way to fast. It's hard to believe Brandon will be 17 in 4 more months. Although we tend to but heads at times I am really starting to see a tiny bit of an adult and some maturity emerge. Quite bittersweet. I am thinking we must have done something right somewhere. The day he was born I was terrified. I hoped I would be a good mom... I sure hope he sees it that way now. I know I am not ready for him to be an adult quite yet.

When I look at Jesse and Julia it brings me back to Brandon and Alexis and how fast time has flown by. Right now Brandon is Julia's idol. If we point to Brandon and say "whose that?" she will say "That's my B!" He is so sweet to her and I am so proud of him. I hate that he is growing up so fast. I hate that they the days fly by so quickly . These kids are my world and as crazy as life is I am so glad for the honor of being their mom.

I became a mom at 19 , it has been a bumpy road but if I had it to do all over again I would not change a thing!

I couldnt figure out how to flip it. Julia tells Brandon to get down, looks for JJ(Jesse) and then say's "Lets get Ice cream"

Where do I begin ?

Where do I begin a blog about my life? How do you make your life seem interesting or important to anyone else? Do I begin at the beginning or where I am right now?

I should be writing a thesis about autism and instead my mind is filled with too many other things. It has always been easier for me to work under pressure, last minute, last second and its all fine. It's the hurry up to wait, wait for answers, even the ones I don't want to hear. That is where I am at this second. DO I want to answer the phone. Get a grip Kristen, it's been tough before. You can deal, you can overcome, you can cry. I don't want to cry. If I cry cancer wins. I want to laugh.

Who wins this race? I am betting on me this time.

Life is a pain in the neck sometimes. Literally . The nurse and I were actually laughing today about the fact that technically I should be in a coma right now. After all I have had my thyroid completely removed TWICE in one year! They didn't remove part of it, they removed everything they saw. It's not all that big to begin with, but more important than I ever knew. Without this or the medicine I could eventually kick the bucket, hit the eternal hay, push up daisies, fall and not get up.

I have heard "just have the radiation and it will be over"..... well could it be so simple?. I decided after they removed the lemon from my neck I wanted to keep nursing my baby. Afterall the cancer was gone and radiation would just be precautionary. So some day when I am old and grey I don't get cancer again, cancer that could kill me.

Afterall, no one regrows a whole body part in 6 months. Should have known, you can't have radiation with a thyroid or while taking the thyroid meds unless its a really , really high dose. The kind that makes you so radioactive your vomit is radioactive and not even a nurse or Dr. will come near you. Where you sit in a room covered in plastic, and you are like the monkey bearing Hunta virus in "Outbreak". If you yank something out and it comes back, then you burn the crap out of it and it comes back.... do you bomb the damn thing and hope for the best. Since I know two people now that had the radiation and their cancer came back... well my decision is harder.

I have had no synthroid in more that 12 weeks and without a thyroid.... 12 weeks would be bad. I am living and breathing and feel fine. No one can tell me why. Yes thryoid cancer can come back, yes thyroid tissue can grow back. But to regrow a whole thyroid in about 3 weeks after everything was burnt to crisp, cut out,ripped out, it just boggles my mind. When your Drs. are confused, well it's time to find new Drs.

Trying to understand why I had to have to have cancer at such a young age. I can't even try to understand it anymore. They said my cancer was gone. I have heard twice now cancer wont kill you, your cured, lets just do radiation..... JUST IN CASE. Just in case what? Just in case you might have screwed up? Just in case you might have missed something? Just in case cancer may kill me and you were wrong. Now Just in case has turned into, you are regrowing an organ that was cancer. You had a tumor the size of a lemon on your thyroid, we took it all out, yes we found a little tiny cancer on the left side, thats gone too. Your good, your young, your healthy... move on. Move on, slice my neck open, gauze me up so I can't lick my wounds like an injured dog.

It's funny watching a parent pull their child closer when you have a nice slice in your neck. Cancer isn't contagious, yet I can feel some people even close to me pull away sometimes.

I sometimes feel like the lion in the zoo. As I pace back and forth trying to figure out how to get out of my cage while everyone stares. I get to the top of the cage and fall right back to the bottom.

I didn't even understand what thyroid cancer was before I was diagnosed with it. So I had a lump in my neck, I know I blew it off for a long time. I had more important things to worry about, or so I thought I did. My whole pregnancy with Julia we knew the benign tumor in my neck could eventually become cancer, but it wasnt so we left it alone. Afterall surgery wasn't a good idea. Who wants a big ole scar on their neck for the world to see? Little did I know I would be sporting that nice scar, twice in less than one year. Now have surgery again, we have to get this out, have radiation, but its growing faster everytime and we can't say why.

I have decided I am not letting Drs. decide for me anymore. I am greatful I am not sitting in a hospital bed, no IV pole, no chemo running through my body.I am not in any pain. I have all my hair and I can eat.I am alive, I am breathing.

I get nervous when I climb the stairs and my heart starts to race, it gets hard to catch my breath. My head hurts every morning and sometimes my eyes hurt so bad I just don't want to get out of bed.My stomach hurts every time I eat, but I can eat. I am not dying. I am lucky.

My kids are healthy, Bob is great. We can pay the mortgage.... the hospital bills just keep coming. I am not going to stress anymore. When you have people telling you they want to have a dinner for you, a benefit. The only thing you can think of it wanting to watch your kids grow up.

Thats my plan,life, and I am only going out kicking and screaming.